Embrace

October 3, 2007 at 1:19 am (Anime, Eyeshield21, Manga, Poetry, Prose, Romance)

Akap (Embrace)
Nagtatanong: bakit mahirap

Asking why its so hard

Sumabay sa agos ng iyong mundo

To swim with the waves of your world

Nagtataka; simple lang naman sana ang buhay

Wondering; life’s just so simple

Kung ika’y matino

If only you we’re good

Sabihin sa kin lahat ng lihim mo

Tell me all your secrets

Iingatan ko

I’ll keep them safe

Ibaling sa kin ang problema mo

Surrender to me your problems

Kakayanin ko

I’ll carry them all

Pikit mata kong iaalay ang buwan at araw

With closed eyes, I’ll offer you the sun and moon

Pati na sapatos kong suot

Even the shoes I’m wearing

Nagtatanong: simple lang naman sana ang buhay

Asking; life’s just so simple

Kung ika’y lumayo

If only you’ll stay away

Sabihin sa kin lahat ng lihim mo

Tell me all your secrets

Iingatan ko

I’ll keep them safe

Ibaling sa kin ang problema mo

Surrender to me all your problems

Kakayanin ko

I’ll carry them all

Sasamahan ka sa tamis

I’ll be with you in bliss

Sasamahan ka sa dilim

I’ll be with you in darkness

Sasamahan ka hanggang langit

I’ll be with you ’til heaven

Sasamahan ka sa tamis

I’ll be with you in bliss

Sasamahan ka sa pait

I’ll be with you in bitterness

Sasamahan ka sa dilim

I’ll be with you in darkness

Sasamahan ka hanggang langit

I’ll be with you ’til heaven

Sasamahan ka

I’ll be with you

My inspiration for this story is the song Entitled Akap (Filipino) or Embrace when translated to English, it’s an original song by a band in our country (Philippines) called Imago. I just realized one day that this song fits Hiruma and Mamori’s relationship, whatever kind it is.. kekeke. Those in Italics are the words from the original song while those in normal font are the lyrics translated to English. Hope you like it!

They’re just a few games away from the Christmas Bowl, a few breaths away from their first game in the Kantou tournament. Mamori was cleaning up after a whole day of practice, which as usual, was very grueling to everyone, especially Sena. Even she can feel the pressure unconsciously being put upon by the whole team to him. He is the “ace” player after all.

She knows she has to stop worrying. And besides, Sena is growing up really fast, and he has finally found something that he really likes; and friends too. She can’t keep from smiling while thinking about it. She was just finishing up and stowing away the stray equipments into the Devilbats HQ, when she noticed there was someone else there. He was the ghoul, that certain devilish creature who drives everyone until they break their bones with the promise to eat their souls if they do otherwise: Hiruma Youichi, second year, Captain and Quarterback of the Deimon Devilbats American Football Team.

As most times in that room, he was working on his laptop, probably making up some scheme against some poor soul he wants to be his slave. But Mamori suddenly stopped in her thoughts when she didn’t hear any tapping keys, and the usual “Hey, you damn manager” greeting. It was odd, even creepier than his usual gun-toting and firing behavior, because silence means a bigger scheme than usual.

She was waiting for another evil to be unleashed, but nothing came. Now it was curiosity that overcame her; “What is he up to now? Boy, this is new”, she thought. She slowly came up behind him, silently creeping, thinking like she’s in his shoes fantasizing that she’ll find him in one weak moment, just one that she can finally use against him. Alas, there was nothing. He was doing nothing. His laptop was turned on, softly glowing in that dark corner, illuminating a part of his face, which was not in his usual big devilish grin, but in a surprisingly peaceful slumber. He was sleeping — like a baby. She almost laughed out loud, almost giggled in that Suzunaish way, but she stopped when she noticed the lines of fatigue drawn on his face. And she remembered that he is as human as every person in the team. He, of course, gets tired even more so, after a whole day of firing those damn big guns of his. And he actually looked pretty cute asleep.

“Kekeke..” she almost heard him laughing at her gullibility, as if this is one of his traps. But it was not. He was just the tired and peaceful version of the Hiruma the devil they all know. She wonders why she feels good, this good. Maybe because finally she has proof that he’s not a superhuman devil god from the Netherworld after all. But the feeling is not like that, it was more of a sisterly feeling, akin to that she constantly feels for Sena, though quite different too. She can’t explain. And she doesn’t really want to understand.

She doesn’t want to wake him up because that may bring a barrage of gunfire in his wake. And she lacks a blanket to cover him, so she just sat there beside him, looking at his peaceful face, thinking how it would be like if he was a gentle person. Then she realized he wouldn’t be Hiruma if that will be the case. And she finally got used to him in his ways that he changing is as unthinkable as Mount Fuji collapsing in a gigantic heap.

“You’ve really beaten yourself down this time, Youichi..” she said softly.
Just think.. hmm.. if I’m not here, you’d have probably killed yourself and the kids practicing all day.. hane!?
And look at you, so tired.. practically sleeping in that throne of yours..

“Hmm.. what would you do without me huh?”

She didn’t know why she said that. And she can’t understand her need to understand him, this devil of a man. The way he treats everyone doesn’t draw to him any affection. Whoa! Affection: such a creepy word for him. But she cannot deny that by him being who he is, everyone in the team admires him, and has come to dream his dreams. And she is part of that team; their team, with Hiruma.

A creeping blush came over her. He just looks so — wonderful? All the sisterly feeling is gone now, giving way to something that she dare not admit, even contemplate.

What are you doing to me? Even when you’re sleeping, you’re still formidable, aren’t you? Youichi.

She decided she’ll just stay until he wakes up. Even she can’t stifle a yawn anymore. Afterwards, maybe she’ll force him to walk her home. He’s not the only one who can get what he wants. She smiled at the thought of him waking and seeing her there with him. Maybe she can use his methods on him this time.

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One Dance

October 3, 2007 at 1:06 am (Prose, Romance)

One Dance

The night was young like us. Couples began dancing around the floor, the boys with their shirts tucked and wearing shiny shoes began leading their partners to sway with the inviting music. I can only vaguely remember what song was playing that night. One thing I remember clearly though, is how I had goose bumps all over, and how fast my heart was beating when she came up to me and asked me to dance. It was one sweet night. And our dance was the most perfect.

____

I remember when she first came to our school. We were both in fifth grade. She was an instant celebrity. She was pretty, and cool, and smart. At a time when most of boys my age would already develop constant infatuations, I had to admit I was a little abnormal. I mean, not as in mentally incapacitated, but a bit more reserved emotionally. I don’t remember letting my hormones decide whatever I’m going to do. They say I’m more mature than my age. I guess this is why my initial reaction to meeting a pretty girl at that age would be indifference. And the fact that we were both smart and were both topping our classes, the consequence had been more of a competition or rivalry.

I guess I started noticing her when we reached high school. Maybe because my hormones are telling me that it’s finally time to look out and smell the flowers. She used to be pretty, but in high school she was even more gorgeous. All the perky cuteness had gone, giving way to a more mature, more sophisticated young woman. Okay, maybe I should just hold my horses at this point. But well, anyone who once became a teenager would understand how it feels like seeing that ideal person of his or her dreams in the form of a real human being. For me, she was the girl of my dreams. It’s rather funny, and sweet, and corny at the same time, but I didn’t look at it that way when I was looking right at her face, only inches away from mine, while we were dancing in the soft light one fateful Prom night. If I had known I’d never have the chance to be with her, I would have trapped every detail of that sweet memory in a glass case in my consciousness.

I am not a person given to much rhapsodizing about romance. As I’ve written before, I’m usually reserved. But when I am with her, I feel like jumping up and down. Once, I had to represent our school to the Regional quiz bee where I made it up to the semi-finals. When I came back to school the next day, they held this ceremony for me, the boy wonder. It was after this, while I was walking to the restroom (to hide) when she suddenly came up to me (to my great mortification) and said “congratulations”. Then the most natural friendship came after that.

I can’t really say that we became best friends. But we were close. Most times I’d walk her home. Most guys in my class would ask why I don’t court her when she seemed to have a great “liking” to me. I always just shrugged them off. Maybe because I’m so comfortable being her friend and sharing with her things I know I can never share with someone more than that.

It was one afternoon while we were walking home when she asked me what my ideal girl is like.

“What?”, I retorted.

She blushed profusely and told me it was nothing.

Okay, I know I probably was too dense then, and remembering that particular incident, I just want to thump myself in the head and call myself and “idiot” a couple of times for good measure. And I began thinking about her all the time. I see her everyday, I talk to her, but then when I go home and even before I go to bed, I think about her too. I think about what she might be doing and kept wishing that she’s thinking of me too. Maybe I was too responsible, too mature, or maybe just too stupid to let whatever chance I may have with her to pass me by. But I did try my best to make her happy every time we’re together. She seemed comfortable enough around me, but after “the incident”, I felt like something has changed. Only now, after so many years did I realize how much I missed.

———-

BUZZ!!!

Cinderella : Hi…☺

ME: Hello! Who is this please?

Cinderella: I thought you’d remember…

ME: Well, I don’t.. maybe I will, if you’ll give me your name ☺

Cinderella: Haha..! You’re still funnily cute.. It’s me, Johanne

ME: Johanne?! From HS?

Cinderella: Yup! That’s me! So what’s up?

ME: Wow! It’s been a long time.. You’re still up? You’re in Washington now right?

Cinderella: Yes. It’s been so long.. It’s almost 11pm here

ME: How’d you get my chat address?

Cinderella: Oh, I have my resources.. hehehe

Cinderella: I chatted with Ray the other night.. he gave me his contact list and your name was there

ME: I see..

ME: Hope I’m not keeping you awake

Cinderella: Oh, no.. not really. This is the only time of day I can do this

Cinderella: My son had his bday party this afternoon, I just finished cleaning up

ME: Wow! How old is he?

Cinderella: He’s only 2.. haha.. but already quite a handful

Cinderella: His dad just tucked him in, so excited with his new toys and presents

ME: Wow! I suddenly feel so old

Cinderella: Haha.. don’t please.. if you do I’d feel old too

ME: You married an American??

Cinderella: Sort of.. he’s a citizen now, we both are.. but he’s a Filipino

Cinderella: I don’t know if you’d remember him, he’s a year older than us back in HS

ME: Oh?

Cinderella: We got married here, but we met there.. went to the same college ☺

ME: I see

ME: Uhmm.. humor me.. why “Cinderella”?

Cinderella: haha.. you should know… or you don’t remember (?)

ME: uhmm…

Cinderella: Haha.. oww.. he already forgot!

ME: No. I didn’t. I will never forget that

———–

No. I will never forget that; the night of all nights.

I was sitting in a corner of the ballroom, watching my batch mates swaying with the music. It was the second song, a vividly slow one that was playing when she came up to me and asked me to dance. I know I should have been the one to ask her, but almost every other guy in there asked her to so I figured she’d be too busy to even notice me. But to my great surprise (and delight), she asked me after probably breaking 20 or so hearts.

“May I have this dance?” she asked.

I couldn’t bring myself up to say either yes or no. I just stood up, took her hand, oblivious to the snickers and giggles of those around. She led me to the dance floor, put her hand on my shoulder and smiled gently. I wasn’t able to say anything during the whole time. I wasn’t even able to look at her face either. But I knew she looked stunning. She wore a midnight blue gown which was very simple, yet so elegant. She had a very curious expression on her face. We danced with three songs and I lost count of the seconds and minutes when I was in her arms, or rather, when she was in mine. Near the end of the third song, she said to me softly:

“I only have until midnight. You’re running out of time.”

I had to look at her face, not really understanding what she meant.

“I’d have to go back home and be Cinderella again” she added, being obscure, almost playful.

What does she mean exactly? I thought.

After that brief exchange, the song ended. She pulled away from. I almost stopped her, not wanting to let go.

Then she smiled an almost melancholy smile.

“The Princess can’t always wait for her Prince”.

“Good night” she said before she finally went away.

——–

ME: I remember that night clearly.

Cinderella: hmm… really? I remember you weren’t a very good dancer.. hehe

ME: I know. But you made it all right, didn’t you?

Cinderella: That was so long ago.

ME: yet..

Cinderella: It’s good to reminisce with you. But I gotta go.. so much to do..

ME: Okay. Thanks! Glad you buzzed me tonight.

Cinderella: me too!

Cinderella: Good night..

CINDERELLA SI NOW OFFLINE.

ME: Good night.

——–

I don’t remember saying good night to her almost 10 years ago. I never thought it would take me this long before I’d be able to finally say the things I wanted to say to her. I’ve been longing for this moment yet, I still didn’t do it. To her, I’m just a memory: something she can look into at times when she wanted to be younger again. She still remembered the dance, our dance. Yet, that would only be a dance to her. For me, it’s still more than that. Maybe once, long ago, it meant more to her too. But I know time had faded it away or maybe I had completely erased whatever meaning it may have for her before.

She’s married. She is a mother of a 2-year old boy. She’s a wife of a stranger. I dreamt of her, sometimes I still do. She reached out to me after so long, but for what? Just to say hello? Just to reminisce the “old days”? My heart aches. But can I blame her? I was the Prince who kept his Princess waiting. And the princess can’t always wait for her prince. I can’t blame her for not waiting. She was surer of what she wanted than I was.

I’m happy for her and for all the things she’d found. If she had waited for me, she may not have had the happiness she deserves. She was the lucky one, because she didn’t have to wait too long, like me. Do I still want her? Yes I do. Do I wish to go back in time and change the things that brought me here, all alone? Yes. But I can’t. So I guess I’ll just have to live my life knowing the things I might have had. And fill whatever emptiness in me with the memory of her voice, her eyes, her face when we danced that one dance, because I have never danced with anyone since; and maybe never again.

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Paghihintay

September 17, 2007 at 8:19 am (Random Thoughts)

Hindi ko alam at maintindihan kung bakit lagi na lang ako ang naghihintay. Marahil isang dahilan na ay ayaw ko na ako ang nahuhuli.
Ayaw ko na pinaghihintay ang iba. Siguro masyado akong mabait o mahiyain, na hindi ko matiis na paghintayin ang iba. Pero minsan, nakakapagod
na din ang palaging maghintay. Minsan, o halos kadalasan na din, naghihintay lang ako sa wala. Pero nasanay na akong umasa at laging mabigo. Nakakainis. Nakakaasar. Hanggang kailan ba ako maghihintay? Hanggang kailan ako aasa? At kailan darating ang panahong ako naman ang hihintayin?

Siguro napakasaya noon; na makatagpo ako ng sinumang maghihintay din sa akin. Kahit sino na makakaintindi at aalis sa aking pagkabigo.
Isang taong hindi ko paghihintayin ng matagal. Isang taong alam kong kagaya ko ring umaasa at naghintay ng matagal. Isang taong hindi maghihinayang at hindi ko paghihinayangan.

Mahirap maghintay; malungkot. Lalo na kung wala kang kasamang naghihintay. Nakakawala ng pag-asa. Hanggang sa tumigil na ang iyong diwa sa pagpapahalaga. Hanggang sa ang paghihintay mo ay mawalan na lang ng kabuluhan para sa iyo. Hanggang sa hindi mo na mamalayang kay tagal mo na palang naghihintay. Hanggang sa umalis ka na sa iyong pagkakatayo at maglakad, hanggang maisip mong hindi mo na kailangang maghintay. Hanggang sa mapagod ka na at sumuko.

Masaya sanang maghintay nang may kasama ka, may kausap, may karamay. Pero bakit pa ako maghihintay kung wala namang kasiguruhan? O marahil ito talaga ang tunay na kahulugan ng paghihintay, ang paghihintay na may pag-asa. Kahit na walang katiyakan, kahit na walang maasahan, maghihintay at maghihintay ka pa rin. Kahit na parang walang kabuluhan, hindi ka mapapagod, hindi mangangamba na baka wala nang dumating. Mayroon man o wala, tuloy ka pa rin sa paghihintay.

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